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Marriage: There’s still time to get out of it.

August 17, 2010

By Pascal Dagnan-Bouveret

“So how is your wedding planning going?” My co-worker with the mullet asked me the other day.  

“Oh, well, you know. It’s going just fine. Not too stressful, pretty easy,” I reply.  

“Easy! Weelll! That’s good. You got your date and everything?”  

“Yep. November this year.”  

“November? Well that will be different.”  

“…” I wasn’t quite sure how to respond.  

“Well, I will be divorced by August hopefully. And, I cannot wait, I will be celebrating!” she replied.  

“….Well that’s…great. Good for you?” And then I just turned away and pretended to be busy.  

(In case you’re wondering, this blog is about marriage and tact.)  

I do not know if other ladies sporting a diamond ring on the left hand have experienced this much, but for me, it is almost a daily, at least weekly, occurrence. Perhaps it is the nature of my job–meeting strangers, gesturing with my left hand to this bank of elevators or that hallway (I’m a front desk girl, remember?). But for some reason when people see the ring on my finger they feel this pressing, very urgent need to comment on it.  

These people will either 1. Congratulate me (and in this case, Thank you so much, we are very excited!); or 2. Commiserate with me and most humbly take it upon themselves to inform me how hard marriage is and how there’s still time to get out it.  

Most of the time they (mainly men) are joking when they say there’s still time to get out. But for some reason, I can’t find any humor in it. I’m sorry, but I take getting married very seriously. Like most people should (and hopefully do).  

And other times, they are not joking.  

For example:  

“Oh wow, that’s a pretty ring you have!” A man, wearing a safari hat in a downtown Chicago corporate office building, says to me.  

“Thank you. Yes, I just got engaged. We are very happy.” I reply, avoiding eye contact, hoping the conversation goes no further. (This also happens to be the same man who feels the need to share Nazi trivia with my German co-worker. She just loves that of course.)  

“You know you’re too young right?” he goes on.  

Me—I am speechless. He keeps going before I can even blink my disbelieving eyes.  

“Yep, you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into. You’re too young. You don’t know. It’s real hard, real hard.” A self-important smirk slapped on his face the whole time.  

“Ha! Marriage,” he continues, “no one should get married. If I had the chance to do it again, I definitely would not.”  

I’ll be sure to inform his wife of that next time I see her.  

Well, little do they know, I am a crusader for love.  

First of all, thank you to everyone who has informed me that marriage is hard. I have been living in a cave and so obviously I am blind to this fact. I have never heard my own parents fight. And my best friends’ parents growing up were not all divorced. I have never seen movies or watched the news. Also, I’d like to thank priests and pastors who discuss divorce during wedding ceremonies. If you had not mentioned it here, I would never have known that it exists.  

Second of all, realizing (obviously just now) how hard marriage is, and not knowing what I may encounter in my life, I am making a pact—a covenant—with my husband-to-be, to God and myself: Out of my own free will, I will fight for love, our vows, and the institution of (our) marriage forever. I will keep our marriage holy, as it should be.

And can I just say, I am hoping that this new decade will bring forth a revolution of love (and patience).

Love exists and I will be a beacon for my husband and for the world—if he’ll share me.

192 Comments leave one →
  1. August 17, 2010 9:35 am

    happened across your blog thanks to wordpress — hilarious! sounds a lot like having a baby was for me too. lots and lots and lots and lots of unsolicited advice. everyone’s been one, at some point (and some still are but that doesn’t stop them).

    thanks for sharing the fun and a hearty (really!) congratulations to you!

  2. ekoli permalink
    August 17, 2010 9:35 am

    Brilliant. The truth is, in important ways you are already married. I was too before the big day and the most stressful part of the wedding planning thing was people weighing in. I skipped the engagement ring and one of the reasons was to stem the flow of commentary — especially from daft strangers. Marraige is hard? Compared to what? How hard is it compared to your job of putting up with people you don’t love all day??

    Is love enough? Nuh uh. But we are lost without it.

    Here’s to being found and wanting to stay that way forever. Cheers, Kolleen

  3. August 17, 2010 9:37 am

    revolution of love

  4. August 17, 2010 9:38 am

    Amen, sister friend! If you’re ever in need of a base spot to help build your cheerleader love pyramid, consider me your number one supporter! Congrats on the engagements and have sooooo much fun planning! It’s like Christmas Eve every day 🙂

    As for the kind sir in the inflated, outdated safari hat… I hope you get eaten by tiger on your next adventure. Shame on you for being such a love dump!

  5. August 17, 2010 9:40 am

    I was relieved to read you are a crusader for marriage. It is a blessed thing; one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. As one who has been married for three years, I can say this much: It’s well worth it. God bless you and your soon-to-be husband.

  6. August 17, 2010 9:41 am

    Well if all the attention bothers you so much, take the ring off. It it pretty ostentatious to wear a diamond around anyway, right?

    And have you ever considered that if SO many people are telling you negative things about marriage there might actually be some truth in there?

    I mean, obviously go with your heart, but you shouldn’t just immediately ignore whatever they’re saying just because you think it’s ‘untactful.’ Being ‘tactful’ usually means dishonest, and maybe you should appreciate that these people might honestly be trying to help you and give you a different prospective on things (because you obviously seem unwilling to search out any other prospectives on your own).

    • August 17, 2010 5:22 pm

      Marriage brings one into fatal connection with custom and tradition, and traditions and customs are like the wind and weather, altogether incalculable.
      Soren Kierkegaard

      While I hope I don’t come across as condescending as James above me might have, I agree with his view point. I hope you have all the luck and dedication required to make your marriage work, and I hope nothing bad happens on your journey toward prosperity. But what you are failing to understand when people offer you these tidbits of advice is that you don’t know everything. Going into a marriage is 1000 times different than being in one. Best intentions aside, marriage is going to hit you broadside if you don’t stay open-minded. Take what they say and study it so you can be prepared when it sucks as bad as everyone says it will. Because it will. And if you really are seeking a love revolution, take those pieces of information that you studied and put it to work when the going gets tough. And pray to God EVERY DAY that your husband grows spiritually and emotionally at the same rate that you do, and that he’s studied and absorbed the same solutions so that when you hit bumps you aren’t trying to mend it alone. A marriage is complicated because it involves two different people over the course of many many years. Lots of people are disillusioned because many times there are things that happen in a marriage that you can’t be prepared for and that will be harder to deal with than anything you could even imagine, especially considering you are bound to stay together through it all, no matter what. If you really look at it, it’s a recipe for disaster.

      • August 18, 2010 10:14 am

        Luck isn’t involved.

        Your whole premise above revolves around so many things that can and will happen and how people changing.

        Falling in love is the easy part. Anyone can do it.

        I think what lots of people fail to realize that, sure, you get married because you’re in love, but the marriage part? That’s a choice. You CHOOSE to love the other person forever. The writer of this post certainly doesn’t seem dumb. I think she realizes here that love isn’t just a feeling, it’s a choice.

        Fact: People who stay married and people who divorce generally argue over the same things and have the same issues. Why do some stay happily married and others divorce?

        Those who stay married choose to love each other, they choose to communicate, and for the most part, don’t even consider divorce an option.

        BirdieBee – You don’t know it all, as de.construct.ion writes above. But neither does she. Neither do I.

    • August 18, 2010 6:31 am

      i believe it was Thumper’s father who advised him, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” the part about her story that gets me the most is the guy who takes it upon himself to impart his self-proclaimed know-how on a topic that no one has asked him about, especially not the girl to who he is lecturing to. but beside that, i don’t see anything wrong is not searching out any other perspectives on marriage and love because those topics, especially those topics, are very personal and specific to the person involved. if you believe in marriage and love, it’s for your own goal to find love and eventually marry. i think if anything, there is something wrong with trying to convince someone of your own perspective about something that is obviously personal to you. this guy must have had a bad experience in marriage and that’s specific to him and hopefully not to her.

      i dunno man, you have a point about needing to look outside of your own perspective to fully understand the world we live in (especially the people inhabiting the world) but the perspective of love and marriage is so specific and unique to each individual. it’s unfair to try and impart or even impose your own perspectives and feelings about it on another person.

      (also, apologies, don’t mean to be feisty towards strangers – i’ve just finished posting to a discussion forum for class and i’m in a “devil’s advocate” mood)

    • bradenbost permalink
      August 18, 2010 6:45 pm

      . . . I’m sorry, but are you serious? I don’t care what those who have already commented think–nothing you’ve said demonstrates any wisdom and rather just shows that you’re a bitter cynic. How about she wears a ring because she’s in love and excited about getting married? How about it’s easy to tell the difference between someone who has honest intentions and someone who wants to blame an institution for their own shortcomings and poor decisions? How about she knows better than those who would try to disuade her because she knows her relationship and what it’s built on? What “other perspectives” would she need? If her situation is anything like mine, she has people she KNOWS and TRUSTS around her and her fiance watching out for them and helping them and advising them.

      • August 19, 2010 12:10 am

        Wearing a ring has nothing to do with being excited about getting married — a feeling like that shouldn’t require a physical talisman to validate it. Wearing the ring is solely about showing off to the people around you; ergo, you cannot then complain when others comment on it, negatively or positively.

        I mean, really — it reminds of people who have pigs as pets and walk them down the street. Imagine if they started telling passersby “Don’t look at my pig!” or “Yeah, I have a pig, so what — don’t talk to me about it.”

        Plus, by confirming that you think it’s inappropriate for people to talk to her about it, you’re going along with the modern notion that we’re not allowed to talk to each other anymore; that any sort of interaction between strangers is indecent and unwelcome.

        I’m so glad to be out of North America, where this seems to be the prevailing attitude.

      • bradenbost permalink
        August 19, 2010 12:22 am

        Okay, James. Thanks for replying.

  7. August 17, 2010 9:41 am

    Brilliant, what an inspiring attitude. Thanks for this.

  8. August 17, 2010 9:45 am

    Marriage is hard. So is being alone!

    My Dad is now 65 and single, having lasted for 5 years with my Mum and had a succession of short-term relationships since. He freely admits that he would love the companionship, stability and understanding that comes with a long-term relationship/marriage. He sees friends of his taht ahve soldiered on through the tough times and now are reaping the rewards with a partner they love and trust. I keep telling him it’s still possible!

    Some people make everything difficult and I bet if you asked Mrs Safari Hat, she wouldn’t do it again either if she had the chance. Can’t be a picnic being married to that guy!

  9. August 17, 2010 9:48 am

    Ah, what a beautiful post. Well, I’m too young to get married, but lately I’ve realized that I’m getting to be too jaded about love and relationships and marriage… when I’ve barely begun to live and see what it’s all really about. So thank you for making me think about the beautiful side of being in love and happy in a relationship. Someday, I want to fight for love and the vows I will take too. 🙂

    And, I do wish you and your future hubby all the happiness in the world 🙂

  10. rainydayjoy permalink
    August 17, 2010 9:52 am

    Oh how I love this post! So good and true and right. “Love exists and I will be a beacon for my husband and for the world – if he’ll share me.” I want to frame that. Thanks for making my day by being another person who believes that marriage is wonderful.

  11. August 17, 2010 9:52 am

    Wow, it must be a really nice ring because it sounds like everyone is just ridiculously jealous! Start coming up with some sarcastic responses that will leave them more confused.

  12. warprinkathy permalink
    August 17, 2010 9:52 am

    Wow, I’m really, really glad to hear excitement and joy about marriage.
    It is sadly lacking in so many conversations, TV shows and movies that bombard us on a daily basis.
    I sincerely want to thank you for making a stand for the commitment you are choosing, and I hope this post will be an encouragement to many others to do the same.
    (I also think that there’s nothing wrong with November.)

    Made my covenant 8 years and 14 days ago and I would do it all over again, even the rough days.

    Congratulations and God bless!
    ; )

  13. August 17, 2010 9:53 am

    Next time just tell him or her that you need to be married by May so that your bundle of joy isn’t considered a bastard…talk about leaving someone speechless! No, seriously, I don’t know why seeing a ring on someone’s finger gives people what they feel is licence to air out their baggage…save it for Oprah or your therapist.

  14. August 17, 2010 9:56 am

    It may be some consolation to know that people will do this no matter what you’re excited about. If you think it’s bad now, just wait — if you are ever pregnant, you’ll hear myriad horror stories about three-headed children, the destruction of your sleep and marriage, the exchange of your personhood for lifelong slavery, etc.

    Misery, as they say, loves company; some misery is determined to create company.

    Some of these people probably do want you to avoid mistakes that they themselves made — but most of them feel more keenly the sting of their own pain and disappointment when they see that you are happy. The more you are a crusader for love, the more you are probably going to just piss them off. That is their loss.

  15. pachuvachuva permalink
    August 17, 2010 10:00 am

    Hello! I’d like to congratulate you for being a true voice and a firm believer in marriage. I haven’t tried being married yet nor plan to do so in the future (and yes, I get that “oh, you’re too young to get married” comments even from well meaning friends). But these people lack the courage to have a firm conviction in their vows or perhaps they might just have lost faith that’s why it’s easy for them to dismiss everything they promised before saying “I do.”

    Well, good luck to your wedding and have a happy and fruitful marriage! 😉

  16. August 17, 2010 10:01 am

    I applaud you! I was married at 19. It’s been six years and I am still happily married. Yeah married life is hard. Duh you have to learn to live for someone else. But people have been doing for thousands of years at younger ages and been fine. To me it’s the sign of a fool who thinks of marriage that way. Maybe his marriage is miserable but I guarantee it was not all her fault. If God is the center of your marriage then you can make it through anything. I was told the same. Very few people supported my marriage. Said it wouldn’t last, we wouldn’t make it through school, yadayada…… I am sure you know what I mean. We made it through school one of us graduating top of the class and we still love each other. God held us together, taught to live for him and each other. Go forward, be excited, get married, and ignore the fools who tell you lies.

  17. August 17, 2010 10:02 am

    Marriage is beautiful! It is a lot of work but it’s so worth it. Congrats on yours and may God bless your union. Always seek to fulfill your vows and you’ll do fine. With God as your center, you will endure and prove all those disbelievers wrong! I may have had failed marriages and relationships but I will always believe in love ❤

  18. August 17, 2010 10:04 am

    I completely agree with you. I would find it off-putting if someone told me to get out marriage while I still could. That’s almost like telling me to get out of having a child while I’m pregnant.

    • August 17, 2010 11:21 pm

      That’s pretty funny.. and painful! It never works to just try to haul someone to the other side 🙂 Especially when it involves tearing them from love.

  19. August 17, 2010 10:04 am

    Soldier on, girl! Married love is my favorite.


  20. August 17, 2010 10:07 am

    It isn’t really marriage we need but love: to love and be loved. If we experience this in marriage great and if we do not dismay and if not at all disaster.

  21. Rita permalink
    August 17, 2010 10:21 am

    Beautiful. I wish you a life full of love and happiness. I also believe in marriage. This year, my husband and I will celebrate our 37th wedding anniversary. And if I had to do it all over again? I would!

  22. bloomingintotoday permalink
    August 17, 2010 10:25 am

    Yeah! You go, Girl! I believe love exists too!!! But I’d be really interested in a post by you on the same subject in 5-10 years, and see what you have to say then. My point is, you have to keep your eyes open and try not to judge others that have life experiences that you do not. Just take what they are saying with a grain of salt and move on. In reality, they are only trying to do right by you (in their eyes) — so try not to be so hard on them. 🙂

  23. August 17, 2010 10:26 am

    Wow! It’s refreshing to hear your positive outlook on your future marriage. I don’t want to sugarcoat marriage to make you think that it’s without difficulty because it is very hard, but worth every priceless second. You are two different people that are coming together as one. That’s no walk in the park. I love your statement “I will fight for love”. That is what you are going to have to do everyday of your life together. Remember that you CHOOSE to love. Let God be your barometer and not society because if numbers could talk they would say the “divorce rate is too high” -it seems like for some (not all), divorce is the easy way out because working on the marriage is too hard. But nothing is too challenging for God. Remember, it’s about the little things. Make daily deposits of love to your husband and always show your utmost respect for him. I wish you well on your future marriage and I challenge you to make it work.
    -Nikki Ace

  24. August 17, 2010 10:33 am

    I found this piece wonderfully comforting. At the end of the day, it is not those “advice-givers” that will be who you marry. They may have their own faults and flaws and are pinning it on the other person. Anywho, congrats on the engagement and I wish you all the best. There’s nothing more wonderful than finding someone to share every moment of your life with .. your soulmate. Take care.

  25. August 17, 2010 10:37 am

    Great post. And, if you have children, a similar thing will happen to you when you are walking around being visibly pregnant. Thanks for the jackie DeShannon video. I was a teen back then. I actually listened to the entire thing just now.

  26. Ishana permalink
    August 17, 2010 10:40 am

    I’m not married myself, nor am I engaged, but the entire “Game Over” ideology surrounding marriage has irritated me for the past few years. It these people aren’t happy with their marriage, then they obviously did something wrong. If you are happy, and clearly express yourself to be so, then they should be happy for you! If they can’t do that, they how can they expect to be happy themselves? It’s sad to see such a bleak outlook on something that should be a grand celebration of two lives coming together as one, but I guess that is the kind of world we live in. Regrettably.

    Congratulations on the engagement, the future wedding, and all the joy and happiness that comes with it!

  27. threecharms permalink
    August 17, 2010 10:46 am

    Fellow crusader here. Recently got married myself, and after a year of intensive couples counseling and living out the “hard” everyone talks about. And you know what? It’s so completely, totally worth it. Congratulations – MANY years of happiness to you.

  28. August 17, 2010 10:47 am

    Amen to that! I know exactly what you are talking about.

  29. August 17, 2010 10:50 am

    Best wishes to you. I hope you have a long married life!

  30. bradenbost permalink
    August 17, 2010 10:52 am

    Oh my goodness I’ve not ever read a post from Freshly Pressed that was more DEAD ON. Are you ready for mine? Lunch, 3-4 weeks ago with my new boss (note: with no ring on his left hand), who I’m trying to impress so I get hired on permanently:

    Boss: “So how long have you been married?”

    Me: “Two years this coming September.”

    Boss: “Yeah, well FIVE years is where you really begin to figure out if you can handle it.”

    Me: ” . . . well . . . we’ve been close friends for over seven years, so I’d say we’re doing okay.”

    Boss: “But that’s not the same as living with someone.”

    Me: “um . . . true . . .”

    Boss: [Ramble on for fifteen minutes about being careful to maintain separate identities]

    I had also had a conversation years ago with a girl who was a strong advocate for making sure you always look out for yourself first in marriage, “because you don’t know if it’s going to work out or not.” Sigh . . . should I mention she was like 19? Wise beyond her years, I guess.

    Thankfully the majority of the people I’m around the most often are very sincere and honest and work hard at having very good marriages and are always available to be there and help and pray and talk with us when we need it. We don’t take that for granted.

    So let me conclude with saying Congratulations! Marriage is 100% awesome and 100% worth everything it costs. While you really can’t begin to understand at this stage *how* hard marriage can be (that’s “how” as in “variety,” not “how” as in “intensity”), its rewards infinitely outweigh any of that. And you absolutely appear to have the right mindset heading into it. (Now, if it were me . . . I’d mess with those people at my job. “Really? . . . oh my gosh . . . maybe you’re right . . . [start to cry] I can’t go through with this!” Then get up while dialing your fiance on your phone and run to the back.)

    • August 17, 2010 6:11 pm

      “Sigh . . . should I mention she was like 19? Wise beyond her years, I guess.”

      You mean cynical beyond her years.


      • bradenbost permalink
        August 17, 2010 6:22 pm

        I had suspicions before that moment that she wasn’t too bright of a crayon; it was confirmed at that moment, and set in stone when she argued with me for disagreeing.

        And thanks for replying to that, because now I can plug my blog, like I forgot to do this morning. 🙂

  31. August 17, 2010 10:52 am

    Well, you have your own mind clear. It is clearer in the beginning. Life has a way of muddling our thoughts. Life has a way of intruding on our plans. But life can never change our values, only we can.

    I wish you the best of luck. I think you will do fine in your marriage. The revolution of love is another matter altogether.

    Believing is essential. Doing is imperative.

    When you act consistently with your beliefs, life is easy. When our beliefs conflict with our deeds we suffer internal grief.

    “Good Grief!” – Charlie Brown

  32. Brittany permalink
    August 17, 2010 10:55 am

    I love this. Thank you! I totally believe in the holy institution of marriage. Power to you! Congratulations as well. Marriage may be hard at times, but it just makes all the easy, loving and joyful times that much better. That’s what I hope anyhow. I have not yet married, but I grew up with divorced parents (and my mom married 5 times before the age of 40).

    Marriage is sacred and beautiful. It works as long as both parties are willing to work at it. I love the triangle diagram… God is at the top point and the man and woman are at the bottom two points. If you love God first and grow close to him, you will grow closer to your spouse. Loving God increases our capacity to love others.

  33. keynar permalink
    August 17, 2010 10:57 am

    wow, I know what you mean. I’m not married yet but I remembered my co-worker at work wanted to get married couple years ago. and my other co-workers (all guys) said to him that marriage sucks. but I also said to him, ‘don’t listen to them’. Part of me thinks or wish that they are just testing him. 🙂 Nice post.

  34. August 17, 2010 11:11 am

    Great post! I have been happily married for 27 years. It is not hard if you love each other, respect each other, put each other first, and always remember that the most important thing in life is LOVE!

    Congratulations to you and your fiance!

  35. Karen permalink
    August 17, 2010 11:13 am

    Let me be one to congratulate you unconditionally* then. Congratulations!!!

    *Also, I’d like to note that marriage IS hard (I’ve been married for 12 years now), but the rest of that sentence, is that IT’s WORTH IT!!! ♥

    Most things worth having aren’t easy, and my reply to all your naysayers would be a simple “I’m glad to hear it” (like your coworker who’s happy to be divorcing) or “I’m sorry you feel that way” (like to people who say you’re too young).

  36. August 17, 2010 11:13 am

    I am one with you on this!
    Anyway no one was promised an easy life, whether you’re single, married or divorced; only it was promised to be worth it!
    So if we consciously choose to love and be with someone for the rest of our lives even if the feeling of being “in love” is gone, marriage will work and you’ll have no regrets as you look back how you weathered all things together. =)
    Cheers to both of you!

  37. August 17, 2010 11:14 am

    Do you know how hard it is to make a marriage work? Just kidding! I couldn’t resist! Seriously, I wish you both the best with your marriage. Keep this attitude and it sounds like you guys are on your way to a very long, happy and fulfilling marriage! 🙂 (It’s just not for everybody LOL)

  38. loosefemme permalink
    August 17, 2010 11:16 am

    I too am happy for you. As an American lesbian living in California, it is illegal for me to marry. The right to marry for gays in the U.S. is still up in the air. Yet, I am still glad for your happiness, congratulations from a 2d-class woman.


  39. August 17, 2010 11:22 am

    Good for you! You really need to practice some good come backs – I like “the next time I see your wife i will let her know.” People really should be more considerate.

  40. August 17, 2010 11:27 am

    thing about this are kind of funny to me

  41. August 17, 2010 11:31 am

    I went through much of this same stuff before my wife and I got married. Of course I didn’t have a ring to spark the conversations, but if it came up I got many of the same comments. Mostly from my guy friends who weren’t married.

    Marriage is a very serious thing, and of course it’s not going to be easy, but if you go into the union knowing that and you’re serious about the relationship you’ll make it work through even the hard times. I think too many people go into it looking for financial perks or physical perks and think, “We’ll do this till it’s not fun anymore.”

    It’s absolutely the wrong way to think and I congratulate you on your marriage and thank you for sharing this opinion on the subject.

  42. girlonthecontrary permalink
    August 17, 2010 11:32 am

    Great post! I’m really glad you mentioned divorce because I had never heard of it before. Also, marriage is hard? Wow. My life was changed today.

    Thanks so much for the laughs and the sarcasm- it does a body good.

  43. Michelle permalink
    August 17, 2010 11:42 am

    LOVE this post. Love love.

  44. jules permalink
    August 17, 2010 11:45 am

    Thank you for an heart felt and fun blog. Finally a young woman who is proud to take on the title and mantle of wife. I have ground up through the late 60’s and the 70’s when all that was heard was negative and derogative toward the God ordained institute of marriage.
    It took me a long time to learn that you can have it all …it can be found in a good marriage and the union that it brings. All the best to you both.

  45. jules permalink
    August 17, 2010 11:46 am

    Sorry for the typo that was grown up not ground up……may be ground up was more accurate!!

  46. August 17, 2010 11:53 am

    THANK you for this post, it’s exactly how my husband and I feel. Why do people feel that they need to educate the engaged on the folly of marriage?? A word of warning (not about marriage, haha) : after marriage, you will get the “newlywed” clause applied to you- which goes like this:

    “So, how are…things? Are you happy?”
    “Yes, we are! I love being married!”
    (look of confusion/blankness) “Mmm. How long have you been married now?”
    “8 months.”
    (A look of snide smuggness enters here) “Oooooh. You’re NEWLYweds.”

    To which I FEEL like replying “Oh, THATS why I’m happy? Thank you for reminding me that I’m simply in a short-lived bubble of newbieish cluelessness. I’m sure once I awaken from this stuppor I will DETEST my husband and immediately regret my decision to marry him, and you and I will finally have something to talk about over at the watercooler. ”

    ANYWAY, thank you for championing love and standing up for marriage. We stand behind you!!

    -Heather & Landon (HAPPILY married)

    • imaginecreation permalink
      August 17, 2010 5:34 pm

      I got that comment multiple times as a NEWLYwed . . . 8 years later, I’m happier in my marriage than the first few adjusting months and years. I just see it getting better and better . . . sure we have to work at it but I wouldn’t change it for the world!

  47. August 17, 2010 11:54 am

    Nicely written…welcome to the world of happily married folks :))

  48. August 17, 2010 11:56 am

    seriously, this is hilarious.

    congratulations on both getting married

    …and on being freshy pressed!

    (tit for tat, no? only kidding.)

    you should try being 32 and (still) single. oh, the stupid things people say…

    i’m really happy for you.


  49. August 17, 2010 11:58 am

    I know exactly how you feel. I recently got married on August 7th, and boy am I glad that it’s over with. Not because I was wanting to get it out of the way, but because I am glad I won’t have to hear any remarks from guys like Mr. Safari Hat. I heard it constantly, although I’m sure not as much as my wife heard it, for the past year. Marriage is thing that should be cherished and worked hard on. (haha, I said hard on, sorry, that’s the small part of me being a typical guy) I will join this pact of yours, as I feel marriage is not something that should be taken lightly. Good luck with all of the planning and when the day comes, cherish every moment of it, because it goes by way to quickly. Most of all ENJOY your special day and try not to work on it too hard.

  50. everythingforareason permalink
    August 17, 2010 11:59 am

    I am a recently engaged lady and I definitely commiserate with you. Fortunately I don’t get too many “warnings” though….I mostly just get people who ask what my plans are, only to tell then me that I’ve got it all wrong.

  51. Steve permalink
    August 17, 2010 12:04 pm

    Nice touch with the priests and pastors who discuss divorce during the ceremony. I am a priest or pastor and have always wondered if I doomed some marriages to divorce because I didn’t take the opportunity to cover that in my message.

    You know that if you have children, the same thing is going to happen while you’re pregnant. Expect, the ominous “Your life is about to change,” and “It’ll never be the same again”. As if it’s not supposed to change and should always be the same.

    To a lesser degree, they will do it if you buy a house, start a business, or take a cruise.

    On reflection, a sizable chunk of humanity is, at any given time, walking around with the effects of deep disappointment. It helps them to let someone else share that by identifying the institution as the source of the problem, universalizing their experience, and “warning” people. You’ll be fine – the experience of love is largely about our intention to love. And it sounds like you’ve got a handle on that.

    And my apologies for my spiritual peers who don’t know when to shut up.

  52. August 17, 2010 12:13 pm

    Good for you! Great post! Tell those naysayers to “f-off”, in the nicest, most tactful way possible, of course!

  53. August 17, 2010 12:14 pm

    Yes, the world needs more love! You go ahead and love your man crazy!

  54. August 17, 2010 12:22 pm

    Nice post!

    We all like giving advice to those about to get married.

    I have found that you get out of marriage what you put into it!

    And on top of everything about what anyone will tell you about being married – NONE OF THEIR ADVICE will apply to you. Sure, some little thoughts here and there, but for the most part since EVERY humany being is different, EVERY MARRIAGE is different.

    What works for me and my wife might just wreck another marriage.

    So, for you, I just simply say “Enjoy the process of the wedding, enjoy the honeymoon, enjoy the gifts, enjoy starting your family together with the man you want to love forever and forever. Remember what the pastor will say all throughout your time together – in good times and in bad never forsake each other!”

    Have fun and keep writing!

  55. August 17, 2010 12:25 pm

    You tell ’em girl! Congrats on the November wedding. I got married last November as well. It’s a great time because you have the wedding and all of the fun and then the holidays come shortly after!Best of luck!

  56. questreetgirl permalink
    August 17, 2010 12:27 pm

    i am getting married in october and have been making myself so anxious about it, esp as it seems everywhere there are signs that MARRIAGE IS HARD and YOU LOVE EACH OTHER NOW BUT THEN YOU ARE DOOMED! these kinds of wacky comments make me extremely anxious, so your post made me nod my head in recognition. And feel a bit better! thanks!

  57. August 17, 2010 12:41 pm

    Sorry sweetie, but marriage has nothing to do with love. Good luck!

    • thetinfoilhatsociety permalink
      August 17, 2010 4:48 pm

      Babaloo, you are so right! In fact, marriage wasn’t even considered a love relationship until the 20th century, basically. It was — and is — a contract (as in legal…) linking two people, their properties, their incomes, their inheritance, and giving their children legal standing. Love didn’t enter into it. Teamwork did, however.

      Marriage is about teamwork, and hard work, and not about love. It’s great if love can smooth the way, but respect is a lot more important. Love changes over time, respect doesn’t. Or shouldn’t.

      DH and I have been together for nearly 14 years, and married for 8. If love and its giddy feeling was the only glue holding this relationship together, it would have collapsed long ago.

      I know I’m also giving unsolicited advice, but it’s good advice. Remember it when you start hitting rough patches!

      • August 18, 2010 12:52 pm

        I wrote something similar above and then read your comment.

        Love is GREAT. But once you say the ‘I do’s’, the ‘in love’ part of being married becomes a choice, because as you so importantly stated above, the butterflies and fireworks come and go and can’t be the ONLY thing holding things together. Love is a choice, and when the fireworks aren’t there during a down period, you’re CHOOSING to work together as a team to keep things going. And that IS love, just not the butterfly kind.

  58. August 17, 2010 12:42 pm


    follow your heart and don’t listen to all of the control freaks…

  59. SkyofRoses permalink
    August 17, 2010 12:42 pm

    Where did this “too young to get married” idea come from? My parents got married when they were still in college and they are still together! Sure, they fight every once in a while. It happens with every couple, some fights are inevitable. As long as a couple fully understands the decision they are making and are willing to do what it takes to make it work, then why should age matter? The only reason I’m waiting to finish my bachelor’s degree before getting married is so that I have a better chance of getting a job and supporting myself and my future fiance.

  60. lindseytinsey permalink
    August 17, 2010 12:42 pm

    Awww, this is sweet 🙂
    I want to get married one day, not any time soon. I’m only 20.
    Thank you for this post and keep spreading the LOVE

  61. August 17, 2010 12:45 pm

    Good Luck, Good for You, you are right people should keep their big mouths shut & just say GOOD LUCK!!!!! You will be fine you have the right attitude. My husband and I have a VERY happy marriage for 22 years because we had the same belief as you do! You go girl!

  62. August 17, 2010 12:47 pm

    > … I’d like to thank priests and pastors who discuss divorce during wedding ceremonies
    BirdieBee, do your thing and enjoy it while you are at it. It is your life/marriage. People will one way or the other talk sh!t about any possible (and impossible ;-)) thing (psychoanalysts call it “projecting themselves” …)
    Now, I think you are mixing different things here. One thing is joining your life with someone you (intend to) love for good (and I did discover (as “an old dog”) there is beauty in it provided you find the “functionally right” person (I still (after two years) wear my wedding ring …)). The other one is the “social contract”. The first, thrilling aspect of it is just fine and dandy (I still open-heartedly look for actual true love out there). I am going to talk (sh!t ;-)) about the second, “social contract” one.
    “Marriage” was a social invention that certainly served some purposes. In those past times women were discriminated upon way more than they are today (in open and not so explicit ways (I was raised by a single mother and learned to be sensitive to and hate abuse of any kind)), so, going from parental domestic indenture to a “husband”, “sex”, “becoming a heir”, … gave them some “freedom” and “security”, at the very least some “change”. The senses of “freedom” and “security” are, of course, social constructs
    But think of it this way, when you marry someone, you are effectively expecting from yourself to like (as a person, sexually, …), to enjoy his/her habits, general conversation and intellectual sparrings with that person, for that person to be a bread winner, to be good at parenting, for that person to support you as your friend, parent and Holy Spirit… for that person to love your snoring (even if it doesn’t let him or her sleep) … and as if it were not enough you are assuming all of that is mutual … and you even bring “God” into your business as a witness …
    These and many other are all the expectations you are agreeing on when you repeatedly say “I do!” Don’t you think it is a bit much? Statistically speaking it is too much to ask/too good to be true and even neuro-biologically, your dopamine levels may drop (which could be influence or determined by semantic reasons (you know all there is to know/feel about your guy/girl)) and you simply stop seeing that person (or life altogether) the way you used to (these experiments have been made with social animals from rats to hyenas, who “fall in love” as we do if not in crazier, more selfless ways)
    Love is true, marriage is more of an illusion. Water and wine are good for what they are, mixing them isn’t that happy
    Just yesterday my wife informed me that NY state has become the last state to accept no fault-divorce. Yep! As you heard it:
    // __ What happens to the Brain, when you are in Love
    // __ Helen Fisher: The brain in love
    // __ Love, Belief, and Neurobiology of Attachment (it starts at 3:20 …)
    You and your sweetheart take care

  63. August 17, 2010 12:54 pm

    Keep spreading the Love, well written! 🙂

  64. pfraise permalink
    August 17, 2010 1:09 pm

    I just happened across your blog, had to read it, then couldn’t stop reading it. Congratulations!! I think it’s awesome that you’re getting married and that you still believe it’s a sacred vow made between two people. I wish you all the best and don’t listen to what anyone else says. Wear your ring with pride, knowing that it is a promise from your love to take the next big step with you, and his commitment to be there for all the steps after. Congratulations!!

  65. Greg Jones permalink
    August 17, 2010 1:09 pm

    Marriage is hard. As my wife (Poor thing!)
    Congrats to you!

    Tell ’em all the great Counselor gave you a book that has all the advice you need.

  66. August 17, 2010 1:27 pm

    This was great! I myself also believe in marriage and even after 2 years, we still get the old folks telling us about how hard it is. Some of them even say our generation is too self-important to take the good with the bad… Keep it coming grandpa! I do have to admit to some naivety: I did not know people got married with an escape route in mind. Why bother?

  67. August 17, 2010 1:32 pm

    I stumbled on your wordpress. Interesting article and congrats on getting married! I hate people who feel the need to comment on anything and everything, especially so when it doesn’t even involve them. How rude. I’m sure you know they don’t matter though. Just keep your head high and be graceful. These people don’t know tact if it hit them right square on the head.

    • August 17, 2010 9:02 pm

      True, and be reminded that the first year of marriage is difficult and it gets harder after that. Still you can and will have fun. Best to know if your partner completely shares your view however, or is there a depth there that you just don’t understand yet.

      Have a blast!

  68. August 17, 2010 1:38 pm

    Actually everyone loves to plaster the other one with their own opinions.. Thank you..
    I guess a talk off should be compiled for all such “commenters”

    Anyways- Grapes would always remain sour for some..

  69. August 17, 2010 1:47 pm

    Marriage is not inherently wonderful any more than it is inherently miserable. It’s like a lot of other things in life: sometimes it works out great, but sometimes it doesn’t, no matter how much you want it to or how hard you work at it.

    That being said, here’s wishing that *your* marriage will be as wonderful as you hope it will be.

  70. August 17, 2010 2:03 pm

    Is there any way you could maybe wear a badge that reads something to the effect of: “I’m getting married and I don’t give two s***s what you think!”

    You could change it around a bit, but it might help.

  71. August 17, 2010 2:07 pm

    You know someone said it earlier and I agree – every marriage is different. I married young, separated early and divorced later. Our mistake was communication — the lack of it. My favorite response from others as I was still working through a painful separation was “well, WE did get married to get Divorced!” . Said by a ‘friend’. Last time I checked no one gets married with the intention of getting divorced – that would be stupid.

    Enjoy your wedding, grow in your love throughout your lives. Congratulations on your engagement AND on being freshly pressed!

  72. August 17, 2010 2:10 pm

    What an absolutely awesome post. As someone who has been through the painful experience of divorce and hopes to get married and stay married for life someday, I’m excited for you and thrilled at your conviction. This was very well-written.

  73. August 17, 2010 2:12 pm

    You are spot on. I was engaged several months ago, and I got this all the time. It was interesting to me, though, that I seemed to get more positive reception of the engagement than my fiancee – When’s the wedding?! What colors are you using? (And then frowning when I told them.) How’d he ask? Wow, you must be so excited! Of course, all of this sprinkled with mild negativity about my choices. I also said I wasn’t too stressed out about it – I’m in public relations and a large part of my job is event planning, so while a wedding is a big event, it was very manageable for me. My fiancee, on the other hand, got a much different reaction – Oh, why are you getting married? She trapped ya, huh? I feel bad for you! When’s the funeral? It was amazing how blatant the negativity was, mine was more under the surface.

    Not that any of this matters too much – we were together for 7 years, were supposed to be married in July and had to cancel the wedding due to some dealbreakers I discovered about 2 months before the wedding. Now, I get a lot of people commenting on my lack of ring – Not wearing your ring today? Aren’t you getting married? (nevermind the wedding date has passed). Oh, and there are always the people who tell me that they never liked my fiancee anyway, always thought I could do better … because that makes me feel MUCH better.

    Thanks for sharing your story – congrats on your engagement and your upcoming numptials! Enjoy this time, it’s so fun and exciting and don’t let any of those naysayers get ya down. And even with my not-so-happy ending, I too still believe that love exists and a happy marriage can too. I wish the best of luck to you.

  74. August 17, 2010 2:24 pm

    Marriage is hard. LIFE is hard. Why are people today more willing to fight to have a great life but not to have a great marriage? Through all of the great days and the sometimes not-so-great days, being married is wonderful. I’ve been married for two months, so I don’t have a lot of wisdom to offer you that has been cultivated over years and years of fighting for my relationship. However, my husband and I had to overcome a lot of objections from our family because we are an interracial couple (according to our families, this will ultimately destroy us). Just ignore the negative people and chalk it up to good intentions and personal regrets. Enjoy your wedding, your marriage, and your amazing ring! Fight for a great life filled with love together and take comfort in knowing that others are fighting with you!

  75. August 17, 2010 2:24 pm

    Don’t let anyone rain on your parade. As any grown person who has decided on a life partner, you understand there will be ups and downs but you’re willing to get through them together. Marriage is fun and exciting but also constant and familiar – and I think it’s worth it.

    • August 17, 2010 2:43 pm

      Brooke, number one…I love your blog! How creative! The photo’s of your child, ..are you a teacher?
      It is clean, and full of purpose. I will have to visit it again. Second, I love your reply to marriage. Yes, there are ups and downs. The Bible states that the rain falls on the just and unjust alike.
      The difference is (like Tony Robbins says) HOW we react to it? The fruit of the Spirit..or the fruit of the world! Things haven’t changed much since Adam and Eve. We still choose what fruit to pick..and eat.
      K..that is all for now. GoD Bless you!

      • August 17, 2010 9:50 pm

        1. Thank you!
        2. Not my kiddos – lots and lots of friends are having babies and I’m gifting photography.
        3. Not a teacher either – I just like bright colors. 🙂

  76. Mrs. Ethel permalink
    August 17, 2010 2:26 pm


  77. Mrs. Ethel permalink
    August 17, 2010 2:28 pm

    Amen to you I mean, honey. Amen to women who still believe in marriage. Best wishes to you and your love and may God bless you.

  78. Kate Blackwell permalink
    August 17, 2010 2:37 pm

    This is a fantastic post! I feel like I could have written it. Congratulations on your wedding and marriage!

  79. August 17, 2010 2:38 pm

    I was reviewing my own blog and happened upon yours..concerning marriage. I love the contrast that you have decided to acheive. The “well wishers” and the well meaners” and your commitment to Christ and Your Husband.
    In my experience anytime your are moving forward in God and your life ( the two should be ideally synonomous) I always get flack..or at least admonishment from my friends and family. Stay fast to your commitment, and pre-marriage counseling can be a blessing.
    Alot of people do not like CHANGE. It scares them. Us too at time? YES! But when fear raises it’s ugly head..the way to defeat it is to FACE it. Ask it questions..”why are you here bothering my day mr. or mrs. fear? ( fear bothers both genders..haha) This diffuses fear and it melts away like the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz! Discussing divorce, I think is important in that it is NOT an option. My mother once told me that “you know the ending, by looking and studying the beginning!” Mom’s are great aren’t they??! I do sinerely hope that you and your future husband are a shining light in this world..whether that be in the entire world..or right in your own neighborhood. God looks at the Heart. Blessings!!!!!

  80. judyminardi permalink
    August 17, 2010 2:39 pm

    I love your post, great attitude!

    I cannot stress enough my support for your take on the subject!

    Thanks for sticking up for those of us who are young, in love, and smart enough to know that marriage doesn’t come without challenges – but who are willing to face those challenges head-on with our partners.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  81. cushmanschronicles permalink
    August 17, 2010 2:46 pm

    Congrats on your engagement! And honestly, I admire your tenacity with getting married throughout all the awkward conversations you’ve had. Although I’m not married, I’ve always viewed marriage as a major change of chapters. Pursuing love doesn’t just stop with the kiss on the wedding day; it’s a lifelong voyage. I wish you the best with all the wedding planning and for the rest of your life with your soon-to-be-husband!

  82. August 17, 2010 2:47 pm

    Having been happily married to my best friend since 1972, I have to tell you how much I loved your post. We were 22 and 23 when we married, the average age for marriage at the time but considered fairly young today. I can’t imagine having gone this far in life without my dearest love by my side. And it gets better every day (well, actually, since the kids grew up and left home!) Blessings!

  83. Shornali permalink
    August 17, 2010 3:25 pm

    It would be nice to see what you write after you are married for 5-7 years 🙂

  84. midlifechrist permalink
    August 17, 2010 3:26 pm

    I got married at age 21 and had many similar experiences. We happily married folks are clearly in the minority, but people misunderstand that statistic. I always wanted to tell people, that just because they didn’t know what they were getting into, doesn’t mean that I don’t. I suppose we’re all naive to a certain extent in the beginning, but marriage is much harder if you add ridiculous expectations and selfish motives into the equation. Those two villains are directly linked by the way. I’ll be celebrating my ten year anniversary this year and I wear that as a badge of honor. I’d be amiss if I didn’t mention my faith and it’s role in the success of my marriage. Marriage is a promise I made to not only to my wife, but to God. Not that I’ll “feel in love” forever, but that I’ll never give up even if all “feeling” is gone. Thankfully my marriage is thriving and our love has grown exponentially with each year in spite of my failures. I didn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it, but I give God the glory. Thanks for so much for your post.

    • August 18, 2010 5:20 am

      sorry mate, what nonsense! “I didn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it”. Gotta laugh, don’t you? You and your partner work at a good relationship together, therefore YOU earnt it, and how much credit do you give yourself, you DO deserve it! Give God glory, for sure, but don’t sell yourself short.

  85. thebigshowatud permalink
    August 17, 2010 3:28 pm

    haha, very nice. your fiance has done very well for himself by finding you.

  86. victorianroze permalink
    August 17, 2010 3:36 pm

    It’s kind of tiring to hear what people think you must know about the things…Great post, by the way!

  87. August 17, 2010 3:37 pm

    great post!

  88. August 17, 2010 3:42 pm

    Keep it going, very good for you, good luck.

  89. August 17, 2010 3:46 pm

    Lovely. I love what youve written and I agree completely. Its not like youre walking past the alrar of hell. Youre making a happy change. Happy!
    Like your sarcasm and wit too!

    Do check out my blog if you get time.

  90. August 17, 2010 3:48 pm

    I think the most important thing about marriage is expectations. Too many people expect it to be something it is not, and are disappointed. Many people have a built-up expectation of what the role of their husband or wife is. What we all are, married or not, are people, just ordinary, flawed, imperfect, and far from all knowing. Marriage is whatever we make of it, and lasts just as long as we want it to. People can love each other and not get along; people can be married and not love each other. That’s all I know. May you always have love.

  91. August 17, 2010 4:01 pm

    Having been together for more than thirty years (more than a life sentence!) all I can say is that a good marriage changes and evolves with time. It requires flexibility from both parties and an implicit trust. Break the trust and you’ve broken the marriage….. It´s the best institution there is!

  92. Rio permalink
    August 17, 2010 4:14 pm

    When I was engaged, just one woman really questioned my motives for marriage and urged me to really be sure about it. So I examined my own motives and found that marriage was something I never want to do. Ever.

    And it had nothing to do with love. We loved each other tremendously and had a love-filled 7 year-long relationship which we both had the freedom to walk away from when we realized we were preventing one another from growing individually and reaching our full potentials. It would have cost each of us core elements of ourselves to move out of the way for the other to grow. We loved each other enough to let go. Marriage would have made that much harder as vows should be taken very seriously, and had I made them myself – they would have been upheld. But as it turns out, marriage just is not for me. I can understand its importance for others, though. If we were going to have children together, that would have made a tremendous difference.

    I agree that the misery people are expressing to you is rude. But don’t allow it to bring you down or piss you off. Bear in mind that finding a happy person (single or married) is really rare. Give a sweet sarcastic jab or say, “I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you. Wish us luck though!”

  93. August 17, 2010 4:24 pm

    Love, love, love this post and your attitude on marriage. Keep it and listen to your heart — let the negativity roll right off of you. You’re obviously going into it KNOWING that marriage is hard work. But that doesn’t mean it’s ALL work. And yes, as some of these people have said, love changes over time. But it doesn’t have to change for the worse. It can grow and evolve and you can realize that you love your husband for new and different reasons as you face different challenges together. Congratulations on your engagement — I wish you both the very best of luck. 🙂

  94. Gordoogle permalink
    August 17, 2010 4:48 pm

    I’m getting married next year in August. I’ll be 23 and she’ll be 22. We get this shit all the time, like we just think life is a piece of cake? The people I look up to most in life are those that have been married longer than I’ve been alive and are still happy together. I don’t think true love can ever die, because nothing in the world is worth more. Hypocritical people lose their values over time, and then become blinded by choices. Do you take the better paying job and sacrifice what you believe in? Etc.

    I don’t know why people get divorced, obviously every case is different as every couple is unique, but save death, adultery, and murder, I see no other reasons other than jumping the gun on marriage and living a loveless life.

  95. August 17, 2010 5:04 pm

    TOTALLY know what you mean…. and it seems like it never ends.

    The day my husband and I went to get our marriage license we asked the guard at the front desk of the court house where the correct office was. He said “are you guys SURE you wanna do that?” Har, har. “Yes…” and then he pointed us in the right direction. We took a couple of steps away and then my husband turns around and goes “Oh… and I can apply for my license to carry at the sherrif’s office, right? Where’s that at?” Then the gaurd, without missing a beat, gave my husband directions to the office.

    Later my husband points out “It’s funny that when I ask him where to apply for our marriage license he tries to discourage us from doing it… but when I ask about my license to carry… oh he has no problems with that… and the fact that it happened right after asking about our marriage license makes it that much funnier.”

    Seriously though… how messed up is that? Marriage: “NOOOO! DON’T DO IT!” Guns: “Oh yeah sure, right up the stairs.” -.-

    And just the OTHER day… someone asked me why I would want to get married if I don’t want any kids. Last time I checked marriage wasn’t solely about procreation. I feel bad for those people who got together with an “eh… I want a baby, lets get married” attitude. I informed the person who asked me the question that the reason my husband and I got married was because we had been together for 5 years and were in love and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

    Is that not enough? Must there always be an ulterior motive for marriage?

    What you wrote is beautiful, and especially this statement: “I am making a pact—a covenant—with my husband-to-be, to God and myself: Out of my own free will, I will fight for love, our vows, and the institution of (our) marriage forever. I will keep our marriage holy, as it should be.”

    I fully agree with that and that is how my husband and I feel about our marriage as well. We didn’t just make empty promises… we made a covenant between ourselves and God, and it *will not* be broken. ^_^

  96. August 17, 2010 5:16 pm

    Well I have been married for almost 11 years…got married at the ripe age of 20!! So yeah….let me tell you…marriage is easy….easy..easy.. breezy…!!! If Ican do it anyone can! j/k LOL

  97. August 17, 2010 5:22 pm

    Congrats in Freshly Pressed and the upcoming nuptials!

    While it is important to listen and learn from the trials and errors of others, marriage and even life in general is a different experience for everyone, and I hope yours leads to a long and happy life together. 🙂

    AND, at the risk of passing on my own bit of advice, I read the best book about relationships recently: “Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps.” I’d recommend it for anyone jumping into the deep end of a long-term commitment. 🙂


  98. thegvnr permalink
    August 17, 2010 5:32 pm

    I liked this post until I got to the part about marriage being “holy”. And if you are tired of the unsolicited advice, why did you write a blog post about it? 92 comments later…

  99. August 17, 2010 6:05 pm

    Don’t you just love the unsolicited advice and opinions people feel the need to share! Well, I’m here to tell you that yes, marriage is alot of work (as if you had no clue!) but it is the best thing ever invented, next to sliced bread in IMHO. I have been married 12-1/2 years now and I love my husband more now than the day we married. We get along, we have fun together, and we genuinely like each other, which definitely helps! I wish you the very best for your wedding and your marriage. And just smile and nod when those negative people start talking. Oh, and just for future reference, when, if, you have children, complete stranger will walk up and want to touch your belly, and offer all kinds of off the wall, random advice and ask if you’re planning on breast feeding or if you’re dilated! I just had to try to laugh it off! A hearty congratulations to you and your fiance, it sounds like you’ve got a good handle on it!

  100. pen2sword permalink
    August 17, 2010 6:18 pm

    Great post. It’s so nice to encounter someone who still believes that love can last…

  101. Lindsay permalink
    August 17, 2010 6:23 pm

    You think it’s bad now – wait ’til you’re pregnant and everyone and their brother (or sister) tells you all about how to be a parent!


  102. Ken Stoll permalink
    August 17, 2010 6:37 pm

    hats off to you for your courage and best wishes. Don’t listen to the naysayers and/or quitters.

  103. August 17, 2010 7:23 pm

    marriage is definitely hard, but being separated is even harder! i recommend making your marriage survive for as long as possible, because the grass really isn’t greener on the other side

    read my blog to find out more about what i’m talking about 🙂

  104. August 17, 2010 7:43 pm

    Also check out Linked: Unemployed on LinkedIn at

    Very cool.

  105. August 17, 2010 7:47 pm

    Absolutely true. Once upon a time, my well-intentioned mother tried to take over my wedding, which just about killed me. Thus, we ran off to the courthouse, and I couldn’t be happier with that decision. Also, because I was very particular about my ring (we picked it out together in this little antique shop in London… it was actually quite romantic), he took the engagement period to pay it off so that I wouldn’t have to wear it til after the wedding.

    Anyway, best of luck to you. Marriage isn’t hard if you love him. And it sounds like you do. 🙂

  106. Hannah permalink
    August 17, 2010 7:55 pm

    Thanks for the post, I thoroughly enjoyed it! Funny how the blog that snubs nuptial nay-sayers is still attracting some daunting accounts of marriage. As I’m only sixteen, I haven’t had the privilege of experiencing the heartwarming and much-needed advice from Those Who Know It All, but if it were MY big day that was called so frequently into question, I would absolutely lose it, so I admire your–at least public–collectedness.
    My mom has told me this happens a lot with pregnancy, as well–EVERYONE has an opinion. It’s absolutely none of their business. Their job is congratulate you, tell you your ring is gorgeous, and prophesy the bliss to come in you and your fiance’s life.
    Congratulations on marriage and being freshly pressed!

  107. August 17, 2010 8:30 pm

    Well most people I know, years after getting married or having a kid or even getting a new puppy, complain in the worst of times: “No one ever told me it would be this hard!” Yet in the early years of fluttering romance, warning you it’s going to be hard is tactless? I’m not married, nor do I plan to be, because to me, marriage just seems like a ball and chain. Not even sexually – financially, socially, you name it. It’s just not for me, social stigma or not. And yet I’m constantly hassled that I need to find someone to settle down with, and I need to have sex and have a significant other or obviously I’m a total freak of nature. Yet when people do settle down often others question them, “You’re too young!” or “He’s not right”. And then years later people complain their marriages. Divorce rates are so high, yet people still insist on protecting the “sanctity of marriage”. To me, the moral of all these chaotic double standards and what not is that – yeah, I’m never getting married. I’d rather be a freak of nature and at peace with myself and my emotions, than be happily socially acceptable with three ex-husbands, a child support check every month, and no fond memories of the fleeting romance of the first few months after the wedding day.

  108. August 17, 2010 8:37 pm

    November 4th will be 10 years for my husband and me. Hard? Absolutely. Worth fighting for? Every Day. Congrats. What God joins, let no man (or nazi) put asunder.

  109. secretlifeofjane permalink
    August 17, 2010 8:51 pm

    Kudos to you and your optimism. What the world needs is love, indeed. I have been married for almost 8 years and I love my husband with all of my heart… but last year, I had an affair. I let my guard down. I allowed harmless flirting to escalate into a full fledged, heart wrenching affair, and after more pain than I’ve ever known, I am now on the road to finding true happiness. My husband discovered the affair and it’s been a painful and difficult road back to each other- but he stands here today, by my side, loving me in spite of myself and all of my apparent faults. He is pushing me each day to look inside, reflect and be a better person. This is not the vision I had for my life. I never thought I’d be a cheater. My husband has always been more than I could ever dream of. I hope yours is too. And yes, marriage is hard. People told me that before I got married too, but I never really knew what they meant until now. There will be lulls. The newness will wear off, but that does not mean the marriage is over. Much luck to you and your soon-to-be husband. November is the perfect time to start sharing your life together.

  110. August 17, 2010 8:57 pm

    It is what it is. Some make it, some don’t. Just try to be happy and learn how to surf. The best thing you can do is stay in the present. What sound do you hear outside right now? That is all that is there…

  111. August 17, 2010 9:26 pm

    I got married at 21. My mom up until two weeks before the wedding was CONVINCED my soon to be husband was forcing me into it. She kept saying “You know, you can walk away whenever you want. You wont get in trouble.” Really? You too mom? Well so far, she’s been wrong for over 10 years and I dont see any divorce in sight. One time about 2 years in she tried to convince me that I was depressed and in an unhappy marriage. Riiiight. Wait, which one of us can’t have a conversation with their spouse without it ending in snide arguing? Oh right that’s you. I digress.

    Sometimes you just KNOW that it’s right. Don’t listen to anyone other than yourself. You go girl.

  112. August 17, 2010 9:43 pm

    i found this to be a very interesting post! I really liked it and i totally agree with you that marriage should be taken seriously. Its sad to see that divorce has become something to joke about and something that people seem to think is nothing. I don’t believe in divorce. Anyways best of luck to you and your marriage

  113. August 17, 2010 9:53 pm

    I’m actually planning with my job not to wear my ring on the job… it’s not because I don’t want to show off that I’m married or anything like that, I just can’t wear my ring with my job (massaging) and if I kept taking it off and putting it back on I’d probably lose it, and I’d never forgive myself if I lost it.

    Anyways, I’m not too surprised people have that kind of reaction to your ring, I meet many different people in my job too so I’d hear a lot too.

  114. August 17, 2010 9:59 pm

    hilarious. definitely a rare opinion, but a much valued one.

  115. August 17, 2010 10:16 pm

    Does anyone really understand marriage?

  116. August 17, 2010 10:49 pm

    That’s really sweet, am engaged too and I’m constantly bombarded by silly comments or irritating questions about my fiance’ and our wedding. sometimes I try to act cool, as if am not at all bothered and am happy to answer your questions(which happens very rarely), and most of the times I just smile and say, why do you want to know (this or that)?

  117. August 17, 2010 11:00 pm

    I commend you for acknowling that marriage will be tough and not getting swept up in the fairytale. I know its annoying to be constantly hearing “you’re too young’ or “its going to be hard” because I was hearing the same things two years ago. But people say that because there are so many couples who decide to get married based on emotions, not commitment. If more people had you’re view of marriage, we wouldn’t have so many divorces and then you wouldn’t have to listen to so many obnoxious nay sayers

  118. David Hyman permalink
    August 17, 2010 11:24 pm

    Very funny! And sad. I was married at 24. It’s been almost 13 years now. I remember when I was coming out to walk my mom down the aisle to have her seated, one of my older, creepier co-workers blurted out, “Dead Man Walking!!!” All the older men laughed. I seethed. Reminds me of your Nazi trivia, dude.


    Blessings on you!

  119. August 18, 2010 12:33 am

    True love isn’t a vow to live happily ever after, but a promise to overcome the challenges of entwining two lives and two hearts, two pasts and two futures.

    True love understands its own worth.

    Almost twenty years since our big day. Looking forward to the next twenty and the twenty after that.

  120. August 18, 2010 12:49 am

    I loved my and my husband’s wedding just over 5 years ago, so much that I am writing a How To . . . book.
    I have noticed that there are great many people out in the world that believe they have to give their opinion about something they may not know anything about or even should ever say out loud. A friend of mine summed it up quite nicely the other day as being mindless talking or unconscious thought said out loud. Almost as if, they say stuff without realizing or editing themselves before they open their mouths.
    Think about it and you know exactly what I mean, besides talking about your upcoming nuptials, there are observations about people and their weight or lack there of, whether or not you should have children “at this time” or you are being selfish if you’ve chosen not to have any, or about hair color, short or even the length, “for your age”. It’s ridiculous how often opinions that should not be spoken to anyone are lobbed toward you at any given moment.
    No matter what they say to you just remember that they are speaking mindlessly and ignoring ignorance is the best way to get through it all, that and talking about them in a blog.
    Enjoy your preparations, (I did), your wedding day and your marriage ahead.

  121. The Girl with the Red Suitcase permalink
    August 18, 2010 1:22 am

    If (you’re certain age and) you’re single, people ask a lot of silly questions. If (you’re certain age and) you decide to get married, people will still ask a lot of silly questions! People will try to put you down, no matter what you decide to do with your life. If there’s anything I’ve learnt… I’ve heard so much sh*t coming out of people’s mouths that the most natural and logical thing to do was to learn ignoring it. Congratulations on your engagement, I wish you all the very best for your marriage 🙂

  122. morealtitude permalink
    August 18, 2010 1:42 am

    Enjoyed & empathised with your post. My fiancee and I just got engaged 2 weeks ago (and are loving it). She reckons there are two types of people in the world; those who congratulate you on your engagement and are truly happy for you; and those who project all their emotional baggage related to relationships onto you. I’ve definitely found that true- and at times very funny (in some ways); When we spoke with her brother (who sadly is just going through a divorce) he congratulated us, then launched straight into a very vitriolic story about running into his ex-wife and making her feel terrible about herself.

    I am happy to report, however, that most of our interactions have been in the former category. And like you, we are very much looking forward to celebrating love and marriage in its holiness, however hard we have to fight for that joy.

  123. Jenn permalink
    August 18, 2010 2:06 am

    I stumbled upon this post at 3 in the morning, and I’d just like to say how refreshing your perspective on love and marriage is. It’s very good. I hear people having flings, off and on casual relationships, and though I never say anything, I don’t really approve.To have our times get to the point where it’s commonplace… ‘revolution of love’, that’s genuine, and needed by us.

  124. estonian permalink
    August 18, 2010 2:15 am

    Hahahaaa…. :)))! Great one – !

  125. August 18, 2010 2:18 am

    Amen to that!

  126. August 18, 2010 3:08 am

    I love this post, and as I am getting married in April 2011, I get this all too.

    The funniest is the “You’re too young” thing, I’m 32 years old!

    Very funny and the above commenter couldn’t put it better, you’re fiance has done well to have such a crusader as his own!

    Good luck (not that you’ll need it)

  127. sonni2010 permalink
    August 18, 2010 3:28 am

    i thought being married is a wonderful thing coz they say that husband and wife shud be partners in all aspect but its not true with my marriage. I felt so alone, once i even prayed to die after seeing my sons thru with college, but now that i am free i realized that i am happier and contented.

  128. August 18, 2010 4:10 am

    Hang in there and be strong. Cultivate and care for your marriage like a garden and yes, it takes more than “that loving feeling”. Remember, love is a choice, and when small problems go unnoticed, they can one day turn into a surprise divorce, like mine. I am praying and standing for my marriage to be restored and I pray you will never have to experience this pain, but God has a plan for me and it includes My Beloved. I don’t know how or when, but I am having faith that God will restore our love. Try listening to
    and hopefully, you can learn more about keeping your marriage strong and what “NOT” to do. Blessings on your marriage and remember to concentrate more on building a marriage than planning a wedding.

  129. athenapearl permalink
    August 18, 2010 4:55 am

    Great post! Its horrible that people feel the need to press negative feelings of marriage onto newly-weds or the engaged. I married at 23, and people told me that was too young all the time, or out right told me I would miss out on alot of fun. Messed up! Besides, marriage isn’t hard. Living with someone for years and years and years can be tedious at times. But, like most things, marriage is only as hard as you both make it–situations and circumstances are hard, not marriage. Best Wishes! And Congratulations to your groom 🙂

  130. August 18, 2010 5:28 am

    Nice little story. People always feel like they have to give out advice, whether you want it or not. Just relax and enjoy the flow of conversation and human interaction. At least you get enough material for a good blog post! My experience was getting married at 21 to my 19 yr old bride,and putting up with similar comments and criticisms along the way, only to prove them all wrong with 25 years, two beautiful Daughters and still one beautiful Wife. Not easy, but not hard either. Life goes on….

  131. blackwatertown permalink
    August 18, 2010 6:03 am

    I used to get comments like that, not about marriage, but about having children. They tended to come from old women in shops. The trouble was, they were prompted to tip me off about the woe the betided any parent because I was standing their with a baby. So – a bit too late to warn me about how awful it’s gonna be, don’t you think?
    Sure, warn off any childless man, but spare the fathers – they already know. Or if it’s going fine, leave them in their blissful ignorance.
    But if you haven’t warned them in advance, shut up afterwards.
    And as a follow-up – if you say anything positive to these harbingers of doom, they’ll respond with something like: Oh, it may seem fine now, but just wait till they turn against you.
    Enough. Leave me alone.

  132. August 18, 2010 6:43 am

    oh my gosh this totally rings a bell. i got married two years ago, and people said the craziest stuff! several times people said, “oh yay, wedding planning! what are your colors!?” and i said, “the dresses are black, and the flowers are bright and multi-colored.” the response: “WHY!? it’s not a FUNERAL!” i was like, “oh, well… thank you?”

    i also believe marriage is holy, and that it can be awesome. oh, and p.s. i got married on my 21st birthday so everyone told me i was too young too. but my husband and i are suuuuuuuuuper happy! 🙂

    have a lovely wedding.

    • August 18, 2010 7:55 am

      We’re getting married in the Spring and this rings a lot of bells although you’ve not mentioned my personal pet hate – the person who feels the need to tell me that marriage is pointless, outdated, a waste of time and money and they don’t know why anyone would want to do it! Nice of them.

      I wish you all the best in your marriage and congratulations on Freshly Pressed.

  133. August 18, 2010 7:26 am

    I just wanted to share something I heard the other day on a teleseminar from MasterWorks Healings that truly made sense and seems to fit your stories here….

    When we change our vibration around a certain subject we begin to notice more the dichotomy between our own vibration and the vibrations of those around us that have not elevated at the same rate ours have. You’re so happy and so in love and so committed to your decision, of course you’re going to notice more and more the people who are not as happy, not as in love and not committed to their decisions.

    I think it’s amazing that you’ve noticed this in your life, shared it with the world, and made the conscious decision to strengthen your happiness, love and committment.

    You are already a beacon for the world…. 🙂

  134. August 18, 2010 7:31 am

    Oh yes! I never understood why people would tell me how horrible marriage was when I was engaged. It is as if everyone should share in their misery since their marriages did not work.

    I love my marriage. We are such a good team so there is some positive for you. Congratulationa and have fun planning your wedding.

  135. jerselizabeth permalink
    August 18, 2010 7:32 am

    What an awesome entry. I had many of the same experiences.

    Our perspective colors our experience. Success in marriage is determined by how much joy you take in the experience, in the learning, and in the compromising. If two people love the road they are on, even the rocky parts are an awesome journey of discovery and (cheesy but true) team-building.

    Nobody HAS to get married. But if you view your experience this way, I’d bet you’ll be a success in your marriage. I’d also bet that people with a more “me” oriented perspective will end up in unsuccessful marriages.

    When two people share the same values and have thoroughly discussed their expectations and goals BEFORE signing the papers, they’ve done more work than 90% of married folks today and can expect success – because they’ve taken responsibility for the outcome already. My husband and I are a team, which means we’re 100% for the success of the unit. Even though – gasp! – We never lived together until we got married, we were long-distance until the Big Day, and he’s in the military, so often gone on TDY or deployments. These “stressors” weren’t and aren’t stressors at all because we choose not to view them that way. They’re opportunities to show renewed focus on the integrity and health of our relationship and, more importantly, chances to express Love!

    Marriage is awesome. You’ll love it.

  136. delectabledoodles permalink
    August 18, 2010 7:37 am

    This is absolutely wonderful! I applaud you. I hate when someone takes any good news and then relates it back to their personal crisis. Also, I find it rare that people spend enough time really thinking about committing their whole selves to their marriage. What else in life is easy? Nothing. Everything requires patience and sometimes work.

    Congratulations on your engagement and keep fighting for love!

  137. August 18, 2010 7:40 am

    Divorce is the only way to get away of marriage. But is the eyes of God and to the whole word, what has been joined together can not be separated.

  138. August 18, 2010 7:47 am

    Beautifully written. It breaks me heart to so many people have become too jaded to see the beauty of love. The world is hard and we were never meant to go at it alone. That is why we have friends, parents, siblings and SPOUSES. Marriage is hard, but that it the beauty of it. It is about rejoicing in the laughter, becoming strong through the tears and realizing that together you can make it though anything.

    Marriage is hard because it is a daily sacrifice of self, something most people are too selfish to do. But marriage is beautiful because the other partner is doing the exact same thing for you.

    There will be good times and bad times. There will be laughter and tears. But through it all you have a best friend, a life partner and a lover there to hold your hand.

    I applaud you for building you love on a holy, solid foundation…best of luck!

  139. coxwagnerwedding permalink
    August 18, 2010 7:54 am

    So, stumbled onto your blog randomly – great post.

    People close to us always seem to be so happy for us – strangers who don’t know us are the ones who always seem to have negative things to say about marriage.

    Congratulations though. Hope your wedding proves to be the happiest day of your life!

  140. August 18, 2010 8:17 am

    Wonderful post. I dated my wife four years before we married. We both endured a lot of ignorant comments during our nearly one year engagement. I am now twenty-one years, three “natural” children, three adopted children, eight major moves, married. I cannot imagine enduring these past decades without my wife. Hard? Bet the bank on it. Worth it? Absolutely. Our goal is to be one of those tottering, old couples who finish each other’s thoughts and embarrass all the youngsters with our geriatric passion. Hope to see you there later, still hopelessly in love.

  141. August 18, 2010 8:30 am

    My beloved wife and I tell each other daily not just how much we love one another, but how much we truly enjoy being married. Yes, it takes a lot of hard work. You already know that. Yes, not everyone is cut out for it, you know that as well. We heard all of this too, we got married young after being together for only a year and a half. Very few people thought we would make it (we are both, how shall I say, somewhat intense?)

    However, we have been married for nearly five years now, and not a day goes by when I don’t consider it the best decision I have ever made. The hard work is worth it. To have a friend who knows me so well, and someone to fight life’s battles with, and a companion with whom I can escape the outside world when things are just too much… Unquestionably, unendingly, we are for one another.

    So, let the geyserly naysayers spew forth negativity, and smirk contently in the knowledge that you have something they never will. Revel with the congratulators, and rest in the contentment that they share one of the best kept secrets life has revealed to me thus far: marriage is amazing!

    Deepest congratulations and best of luck to the both of you!

  142. August 18, 2010 8:30 am

    It’s like when people find out I’m gay and they say “oh, I love gay folks”
    Really? Do you know us all? I don’t… and why do I need your approval anyway?
    Good post!

    – Calhoun

  143. August 18, 2010 10:05 am

    Keep it simple with “A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage”!

  144. August 18, 2010 5:47 pm

    You wrote this so well and it was very engaging. Sometimes the tact of humanity is amazing. It’s so awesome that you can add humor to it, while still addressing a topic that is very serious.

    Congrats!! Your rock is gorgeous! Just remember…at least you got that much out of the marriage should things go south. There are some great pawn shops around here. (-;

  145. kscottgrabowski permalink
    August 18, 2010 10:12 pm

    Sing it loud and proud! I’m not even engaged yet and I’m already getting bombarded by the anti-commitment, anti-marriage “pep” talks. The pity looks turn my stomach, but I’ve never once doubted the true and honest love that exists in my life – and I’m proud of you for not doing so either. Thank you for sharing! I look forward to reading more as you continue on your journey :).

  146. August 19, 2010 6:21 am

    I love this tune, but shhhh, don’t tell anyone :oD

  147. StalkeeBrew permalink
    August 19, 2010 10:24 am

    This was HILARIOUS!!! I hate when people state the obvious. Besides, if you’re getting married, you’ve clearly thought about and are happy with your decision, so they should all just be happy for you. Hello? Whatever happened to support?

  148. August 21, 2010 1:45 am

    I’ve been married for 27 years. I honestly can’t say I’ve found it all that difficult. But you say you take it seriously. I wouldn’t take it too seriously. Maybe that’s what makes it hard. All that seriousness. Who wants to go through life like that?

    Lighten up. Have fun. It’s a long road ahead (if you want it to be.)

  149. August 21, 2010 8:55 am

    I agree with de.construct’s comment at the top of the page. “Marriage will blindside you if you don’t stay open-minded.” She also said that “going into a marriage is 1000 times different than being in one” and in watching one from a distance. My wife and I deal with new couples because of our blog constantly and they all think they’ve heard it all. “Yes we know, marriage is hard” they say mockingly, but later come back saying… “oh i see what you mean.”

    Not that anyone is trying to bring the four horsemen down to carry you away on your wedding day, but take heed. I’ll say first that MARRIAGE ROCKS!, but not by accident. If you have a bunch of people telling you about the work. Really be on guard, because i notice that the biggest mistake newly weds make it thinking that they are the exception. Even if you are the exception, don’t think you are. You’ll go in unprepared.

    I live by the motto that “if 10 people in one night tell you you’re drunk, then sit down.”

  150. The Perfectly Imperfect One permalink
    August 21, 2010 6:03 pm

    I completely agree with you. Some people should just stayed out of it. Yeah, marriage is not for everyone, and yes it is hard, but in my mind love conquers all. And if you are truly in love you will love every minute of marriage, you will love the little things that tend to annoy you about your mate, and you will love little bickerings, and the huge fights. You will love the little sweet things your mate does for you, like putting the toilet lid down and putting the cap back on the toothpaste. You will love when he comes home with a single, sad looking daisy, just because, and you will love when he holds you from behind while you are standing in the kitchen. You will love the all night pillow talk, and you will hate the way he snores or talks in his sleep. You will end up with bruises and scratches because he kicks you in the night and scratches you with his awful toe nails. You will spend every day choosing your spouse, every morning you wake up you will pick him and he will pick you. There will be ups and downs, and side to sides, but everyone’s marriage is their own, and no one’s can ever know the little things in your daily lives and in your marriage. I hope your wedding goes off without a hitch, and I bless your marriage with my thoughts 🙂 Congrats to you, and every one else can just go suck an egg lol

  151. August 22, 2010 9:33 am

    Great Post !!

  152. August 22, 2010 1:55 pm

    I enjoyed reading your blog very much, and it has made for the most interesting lively discussions in replies!! If i could give this one word of advice, both partners will change over time, and it is true love that can breathe and change with them… I wish you the very best in your new live together! -from one very UNjaded divorced lady (and hippybaby) 🙂

  153. August 22, 2010 3:57 pm

    Great post! I’ve been married 10 years and in that time lots of friends and relatives have been divorced. Some of them are jaded or bitter (which is understandable to an extent) but I refuse to let their opinions on marriage drag me ours down. Some marriages are good and DO last! Amazing, isn’t it? Congrats and best wishes to you!

  154. OFF we go now permalink
    August 26, 2010 1:42 am

    Great thoughts! I am married almost 22 years and more in love today than when we started. I guess I married well, my wife is pretty dang amazing. I am just starting a new series of thoughts on marriage if you are interested in checking them out.

  155. August 29, 2010 3:38 pm

    You go girl!!! Congrats on your marriage! November is a lovely season to get marry. I mean, come on, fall is the season of love. I wish you happiness! 🙂

  156. January 13, 2011 11:03 pm

    I am glad to know that someone else (who is also young) is a firm believer in the upholding of the integrity of marriage. Thank you for this post!


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